It's So Much Work to be Your Friend

"It's So Much Work to be Your Friend" is the latest video I have watched by Rick Lavoie. I had the opportunity to watch it at the last PA meeting at our children's school. It was enlightening and informative and everything in between. I wanted to share some of the things that I learned and hopefully can help many of you with your own children.

Communication is basically the key to social interaction. There are numerous things that we take for granted such as body language, cultural differences, personal space, among other things. Rick explained how deficits in any or all of these areas can have a huge impact on the type of adult your child will grow up to be. Friends are not a luxury... they are a necessity. That is why it is crucial to make sure that our children learn how to make friends, and more importantly how to keep them.

He talked about so many things that my head is about to explode right now. However, I will try and discuss a few of the things that might be pertinent to many of you reading this... since, I feel it's pertinent to me. One of the things he talked about was the fact that children don't have the same opportunities to make friends like we did. They don't have as much "free time" at school and then they get home and have homework. By the time they can play they end up on the computer or watching t.v. He pointed out how "play dates" are the thing now and that the majority of the time the kids will end up playing video games and not say a single word to one another. He suggested making the first play date in a neutral territory such as a playground. He also suggested that it never be three kids since ultimately YOUR child will be the one left out.

Lavoie gave a rather interesting statistic. He said that communication is 93% NONVERBAL! I was surprised to hear this, but it makes sense once you think about it. Facial expressions, hand gestures, body language, just to name a few are some of the things that say more than words. Some kids have a difficult time understanding the nonverbal cues that people make. This is critical in understanding why sometimes kids with learning disabilities have social problems and difficulty making friends. For example, Lavoie told a story about a time when he had some REALLY good news to tell his wife and he looked all over the school for her (she worked with him). When he finally found her, she was in the dining hall talking to another teacher. He said that the first thing he noticed was the somber look on their faces and right away he knew something was wrong. Instead of telling his wife the good news, he decided to approach them cautiously and ask what was wrong. He found out that the other teacher had just gotten the news that someone close to her had passed away. He told us this story and then asked, "how many of YOUR kids would have just gone up to us and told us the good news without even realizing that it was inappropriate?" I looked at my husband and nodded because that described our #2 very well.

Personal space is another issue. He demonstrated how we Americans have a need for our space. Some of the examples he gave were rather humorous, but true. For example, he mentioned how in a restaurant our table is OUR table. If anyone else tried to sit there or put something on our table then we would definitely not like it. Another example is sitting on a plane. The tray is ours and if someone was to put their drink on it then that would be invading our space. The last example is the most common thing that people mention.... the elevator. We avoid eye contact and NEVER touch another person if we can help it. It all depends on the situation, but there is a social understanding that we will behave in certain ways under certain conditions. What is appropriate in one situation would be totally inappropriate in another. How do you teach this to a child? He said to take every opportunity to talk to your children and to teach them. We take it for granted that we have decades of experience. We can pass that on to our children.

Social contracts are also very complex. For example, if a man is walking down a street and a lady is approaching him then he might nod or say hello but he will keep his distance. If he were to approach her and touch her that would be totally inappropriate. I see children with autism or other learning disabilities who will hug strangers out of the blue. They might stare without realizing it. These things could be misinterpreted. Lavoie also gave an example of a child who went to a vending machine and couldn't make up his mind. He stood there for several minutes when all of a sudden a lady came up behind him and waited. She waited for almost five minutes and then left in a huff. The "social contract" in this situation would have been to let the lady go ahead while he made up his mind, but he totally did not get it. Parents can teach their kids by example, but more importantly, we should verbally discuss these things as well. We need to take advantage of every opportunity and not take it for granted that our children will "just get it" because they might not.

Voice dynamics is yet one of the more complex things for some children to grasp. Lavoie gave examples of how just a simple increase in volume of a word in a sentence can change the meaning. I see this with my OWN child who sometimes will sound rather disrespectful without even realizing it. I have to remind him all the time. He doesn't understand that his tone and volume affect the meaning of his words. At times I feel like he's a parrot and will mimic what he hears. He will sometimes repeat what I say. I have to remind myself that I can take these situations and transform them into a learning experience. He's still so young and I have so much I need to teach him.

The last thing I wanted to share was story he closed with. He said that in all his years teaching at his school for children with special needs, the number one issue that was top priority for parents and students alike was not academics and getting into a prestigious college. It was the basic need of friendship. He asked a group of teenagers if they had the choice between doing excellent in academics or not ever having any problems socially for the rest of their school years, what would they choose? Inevitably they all chose the latter. We cannot underestimate the power of friendship for a child. It will mold, shape, and guide them to be the adults they will become.

If you have the opportunity to see ANY of Lavoie's videos I encourage you to do so. He always puts everything in perspective and gives parents simple tools that can accomplish so much!

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This is the link if you'd like to purchase the video. I feel blessed to have a school that will offer these videos to the parents so that we don't have to purchase them.
http://www.shoppbs.org/product/index.jsp?productId=2082686
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