So much focus is given to the children with problems that often the siblings are left feeling ignored, unloved, and needing attention. This often leads to the kids "acting out" or sometimes even mimicking the behavior in hopes that THEY too will get attention. Remember that negative attention is attention nonetheless. That is something that psychologists have drilled into my head over the years.
I am just as guilty as anyone else out there. I have ignored my daughter, for example, on numerous occasions since she rarely gives us trouble and she is almost the "perfect" child in every way. She does well in school, has lots of friends, and is a very loving and sweet child. My oldest used to give us so much trouble when he was younger, that NOW we often ignore him as well since he is thirteen and rarely gives us trouble as well.... especially compared to how it was when he was younger. That leaves only two others that demand a lot of my attention at the moment. I try very hard to give it to them, but it's hard sometimes to do it without doing it at the expense of others. I was thinking about that the other day and it prompted me to write this entry. I am going to call it the "Sibling Effect" and it definitely covers a lot more than it sounds.
The Sibling Effect is the way others treat or perceive your children without knowing them, but only knowing one or more siblings. It also refers to the way siblings are treated by parents. This can be positive or negative. For example, your oldest child has a teacher and the experience is negative. The sibling has the same teacher years later, but the negative reputation is already there in spite of the fact that they are two completely different individuals. They look the same and possibly have some of the same mannerisms and that just makes things more complicated. However, another way of looking at it is that the parent will often have certain expectations even though there are two completely different individuals involved. This also works in the opposite manner. If your oldest child is well-behaved and a good kid then people are going to assume that future children will be the same. The parent will often expect good behavior and then doesn't understand why the child is misbehaving or acting so differently. This leads to frustration and often misguided efforts to use the same kind of discipline,etc.. on the child.
It's an unfair thing, but it happens all the time. The problem especially arises when you have a child with special needs. It often isolates the siblings because children are so cruel. It's hard to change a child's reputation especially among other children. I have a dear friend whose child is in the autism spectrum and she can't allow him to go to a friend's house unsupervised. She has a younger daughter who is typical and often asks if she can go play at a friend's house. It's so hard for her since she has to constantly explain why rules differ for the children. Her son often gets angry and frustrated because he can't play with other children, while his younger sister is allowed. However, the worst part is that he is seldom asked to play by other children and so he will often invite himself. He has been shunned and teased by children in his neighborhood on numerous occasions. It's almost too much for the mother to bear.
I can only speak from experience, but after my son's diagnosis I almost held my breath with my next two children. It was almost like I expected the worst but hoped for the best. I said a lot of prayers and tried to remain optimistic. When my daughter had speech delay I almost felt like giving up! I didn't want to go through it all again.... it seemed so unfair. However, I am so glad that I didn't give up. I worked really hard with her and today she is doing great. My youngest has speech delay as well and I thought to myself, "here we go again..." However, THIS time I have the knowledge and experience I have acquired over the years and that gives me an advantage. I have to remind myself that he is an individual and there are NO limits to his potential.
I feel so protective of my children, but especially my second child. He has been diagnosed with PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), Tourette's (also known as "ticks"), and ADHD. One can only imagine the complications in trying to get him enough social interaction. He's an awesome kid and very intelligent. However, he lacks a lot of social skills and other kids his age don't understand him. Actually, many ADULTS don't understand him. I am just so thankful for the school he attends because he has made so many friends and the parents and teachers adore him! One thing that I worry about is the fact that my youngest looks and acts SO much like him. I have seen the "Sibling Effect" on numerous occasions and don't really know what to do about it. I feel like the only thing I CAN do is just educate others. They need to know that he is not like his brother. At the moment his only challenge is he is speech delayed. Of course with that comes other issues, but he is progressing and doing so well. I see a lot of his sister in him. I am quite optimistic about his future. He is speaking better than any of his siblings at the same age. That in itself gives me a lot of hope.
My hope is that someone will read this post and either #1: think twice about prejudging a child based on knowledge of a sibling or #2: know that they aren't alone and that others are aware of the problem AND that something can be done about it. We don't need to sit back and ignore something like this. The way a child is treated will shape the kind of person he/she will become. It doesn't matter if the child is typical or special-needs.... it's all the same.
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The worst thing you can do to a child
is ignore him.... but worse yet is to
prejudge him and form opinions before
even getting to know him.
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