Well.....For many parents this is a dreaded conversation and for others it's just another fact of life. I am not exactly sure where the term "Birds and Bees" came from because they have absolutely nothing to do with sex. As a matter of fact, it never came up when my parents discussed it with me. All I have to say is thank goodness for good books.
My children are at the curiosity phase. They are curious about many things, including how things work. Anyways, I had some suggestions for those of you who are struggling with this important topic and how to approach it with different aged children. I have a wide range of ages in my home and so I can definitely offer some advice for the toddler through pre-teen aged. Also, for those of you who may have children with autism (that can get kind of tricky), I have some suggestions.
Let's begin with toddler age. My case is unique in that my toddler doesn't speak a whole lot. He does point and say, "what is that mom?" when he sees me get out of the shower and I am getting dressed. That is pretty much the extent of HIS curiosity. I just tell him what the part is called and that seems to work. The main thing you can teach a toddler is the names of the body parts (whatever you decide to call them) and the difference between boys and girls.
My five year-old is a girl and she has LOTS of questions about babies and "mother's milk" and things like that. I explain it in terms she can understand and tell her that when she gets older her body will look like mine. She knows that her body parts have a purpose and that she looks different than her brothers. She's not very curious about male anatomy since she sees me change her little brother's diaper all the time and I have already answered hundreds of questions regarding why he has a "pee pee" and she doesn't. That was definitely a learning experience for her.
My eight year-old is kind of tricky. He is extremely bright and very curious. He asks me questions about babies and how they are born. When I was pregnant with my #4 he was concerned about how the baby was going to come out. He asked me if my belly was going to pop and if the baby was going to come out my belly-button. I had to explain to him that mommies have a special hole where the baby comes out. He asked me if it was my butt and I explained that it was NOT my butt. I told him that it was a special hole where babies come out and he was satisfied with that. He didn't ask me again. I think sometimes parents freak out because they think that some questions might lead to other questions that they aren't ready to answer. However, it has been my experience that if you just answer the question as simply as you can then it usually satisfies them. If not, then they are ready for more... even if YOU aren't.
My twelve year-old is funny because he is very scientific minded. I remember a few years ago he told me that a baby forms when a sperm fertilizes an egg. I asked him where he had heard that and he said, "You know mom.... when we watched that show on television." I had forgotten that we watched a program on Discovery Channel about the development of a fetus in the womb. I did not realize that he actually paid attention to that. I think the biggest advice I can offer parents is that the sex talk should not be a "one time deal" but rather a life-long lesson. We have had numerous discussions about the topic and I have answered the questions age-appropriately. I think the worst thing you can do is wait until a child is 10 years old, for example, to tell them about sex. If you keep lines of communication open then they are more likely to go to you when they have questions. Last year we had to teach him about what "gay" meant. That was difficult for me because I wanted to remain as neutral about it as possible, but I also wanted to teach him that the lifestyle was wrong. I know he will encounter gay individuals when he gets older and I don't want him to be judgmental. I had to work with numerous gay individuals in my field and I am sure it will be the same for him. We stressed the fact that marriage is intended to be between a man and a woman. It came rather natural to him to stress the fact that it would be gross for two men, for example, to kiss. We agreed and left it at that.
Children with autism don't typically mature at the same rate as their "normal" peers. My eight year-old sometimes will kiss other boys and he doesn't mean anything by it. However, he DOES like girls and that is evident. He has a crush on his teacher at church and he asked me if he could marry her. I had to explain that when he gets older he can marry anyone he wants. He was really excited about that. He has asked me a couple times if he could marry me and I told him that I already was married to his dad, and his dad added that he needed to find someone like me to marry. I thought that was so sweet. The big thing is to remember that it's important to teach what is appropriate and what isn't. You need to do this starting at a very early age and not wait. That is the key. We teach about personal space, appropriate language, and now about kissing others on a daily basis. Some people are nice and understanding, but others are not as understanding. That's the hard part.
I hope this has helped some of you realize that it's not something to dread. I actually enjoy the talks about the "birds and the bees" and I feel it's my duty to teach them. I always try to add some doctrine and stress the fact that it's important to wait until marriage before having that kind of contact with the opposite sex. We have told the kids that kissing is okay but not until you are at least sixteen and have dated for some time. My oldest came home from a Wednesday church meeting the other day with handouts talking about dating and proper etiquette. He's only twelve but he's already establishing the foundation for future relationships. That was a wonderful opportunity for me to sit down and ask him about what he had learned. I know that things will only get more complicated as he gets older, but for now I really enjoy the discussions about the future. I often tell my children that my biggest wish for them is for them to find someone like I found... their best friend who they can spend all time and eternity with. That is every parent's wish.
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Don't delay....start today.
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