The biggest issue when it comes to dealing with Autism is how do you discipline a child who sometimes does not understand and doesn't even realize they do what they do? How much can they REALLY control and how much do they do because they are "testing their limits"? Also, what should your expectations be? Those are all very valid questions and it differs from child to child.
The biggest thing I want to say is you will do your child NO justice if you just make excuses for their actions. Even though there are things they might not be able to control, they still need to learn how to deal with society. One day, hopefully, they will be on their own and who will make excuses for them then? I am not going write a "How-to discipline" guide because I am faaaar from perfect, I definitely don't have all the answers, and I am still learning.... however, I am going to write about some things I have observed and some of my experiences. My hope is that someone will read this and say, "Oh....I haven't tried that before" or "I can totally relate!"
Today our #2 was baptized in our church and I was praying that things would go as smoothly as possible. However, when I got to the church at about 10:40am I noticed that he was getting a bit "excited" and his energy level was definitely rising. I was too busy getting the kids and myself ready in the morning that I TOTALLY forgot to make sure he got a good breakfast. To tell you the truth, I think he might not have eaten anything this morning. He usually fixes himself a bowl of cereal or eats whatever he finds in the fridge. However, he was so excited that he forgot to eat. I tried to get some food into his tummy (goldfish crackers), but unfortunately he was already too wired and it took a lot of redirection and holding him to keep him in his seat during the ceremony.
The ironic part of it all and the reason I am telling you about it is because as soon as we left and ate lunch and then got home, he was the calmest and sweetest boy I have seen in a loooooong time! I just wish everyone could have seen that. He was still excited about the baptism, but there was definitely more of a reverence in his countenance and he was able to focus more on the feelings that he was experiencing. This is a classic example of what I call a "sugar drop" and the cause of many "melt-downs" and outbursts. Most parents know that if a child is hungry they are going to be grumpy. It is even MORE important in a child within the spectrum to maintain blood sugar. If they go without food for too long, you will definitely see a change in behavior, focus, and mood. I experienced it today and I just felt compelled to write about it while it was still fresh in my mind.
One of the reasons for this post is in response to a comment that was left. I wanted to expand on that and give my input. My dear husband wrote :
"I think it's important for people to realize that having a symptom in the autistic spectrum is not the same thing as having a full-blown mental or physical handicap. We try to teach each of our children the same, and as if they were no different from anybody else. They do not need to grow up thinking they are only expected to meet a lower standard."
I totally agree with that and I think it's very important to let others know that. I have seen some parents use their children's condition as a reason not to discipline. That is an injustice!! Chidren in the spectrum need consistency and they thrive on it. They also need a lot of redirection and positive reinforcement. You can't just leave them to figure things out for themselves. The worst thing you could do is ignore what they do. It's almost like you need to be one step ahead of them and if they beat you to it, then you need to step in and explain why that is unacceptable. Don't ever let them hear you say, "Oh...Billy can't help doing that....he's got Autism." The child will then use that as a way to excuse his actions. Remember, they are extremely smart!
How much can they control and how much is it just "testing limits"? That is one of the hardest things to figure out. I have seen days when my #2 is calm, focused, and very mature. I then tell myself, why can't he be this way all the time? Should I raise the bar on my expectations? Last year, he had a wonderful teacher. She was pretty strict and hard on her students. However, she also loved them and it showed. I think she was the best example for me as a parent. I feel like if we can direct our children with love but with a high standard, they usually will meet that standard. It took almost the entire year, but by the end he was doing extremely well. We definitely saw a change. Now our expectations are much higher. We expect him to sit for longer periods of time. We expect him to do well in behavior at school. We also expect him to keep his hands to himself and respect personal space. So far, he has usually met our expectations. It's important to note that we also know his limitations. We know he can be easily over-stimulated. We also know that he is very tender-hearted and we try to avoid certain situations. It has taken us a long time to reach this point and we are so excited to see his growth and potential.
I have a lot of friends who deal with the "strong-willed child" syndrome. I have had that myself. All my sons have been strong-willed. If you can't handle a child when they are three or four then you definitely won't be able to handle them when they are eight or ten! Take it from me, don't give in!! If you give them an inch, they will take a yard and that is the truth. They will use all their ammunition to get to you, but just be strong. Don't let them guilt you into giving in either. My oldest did that all the time. It worked for the most part because I worked full-time and so I felt guilty already that I had to leave him in daycare or with a babysitter most of the day. (That's another loooong story that I will have to talk about on a different day....... How do you find the right daycare provider for your child?) We learned the hard way. The earlier you can intervene on behavior, the easier it will be.
Lastly, this should be a team effort. Speak with your spouse and develop a "game plan" that will work for both of you. Support one another and rely on each other. I heard recently that the rate of divorce among couples who have a child with special needs is extremely high. It doesn't surprise me. There is a lot of stress involved in raising these children. My husband and I have different strengths and weaknesses. We fill in those holes for each other. Sometimes we work like a fine-tuned machine......other times, we grind a bit. That's okay....I think that's normal. We just need to keep reminding ourselves it takes practice. Nobody is perfect and we just try the best that we can. We've definitely made a lot of mistakes, but hopefully we have learned from them. I am just so thankful that he has more patience than I do. I am convinced that one way or another we are given what we need. I guess I just need a little more patience. :) ********************************************************************
If you haven't already, start a "Gratitude Journal" and remind yourself each day of how lucky you truly are.
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